When Shania asked me to write about whatever was in my heart, I was very tempted to write about something that isn’t directly related to me, because it's not very easy to open up. But I have always found comfort in writing, so why not?

I am writing a piece about fighting depression after completing university studies. I graduated from university in January 2023 and I have experienced a lot more challenges than I ever did when I was in university. So I will try to walk you through a few of them. But I want to start from the beginning; the day after.

Graduations are thrilling times.  All of your loved ones are there supporting you. You can relax knowing that all of your efforts have paid off and there aren't papers to turn in or tests to take. You don’t have to actively look for time to study on a regular basis and suddenly you do not relate to all the memes.

But is that a good thing? 

Soon after my graduation ceremony, before I could even leave the university building, the people closest to me started to ask me several questions:

“What next?”

“Are you furthering your education?"

“Did you get a full-time job?”

“Where will you live?”

I got so overwhelmed all of a sudden. I thought I would at least have a few days to breathe and take in this next chapter of my life, but alas. Suddenly, I started to feel like there were huge expectations that were suddenly put upon me to make sure I get into that “next step”. I wholeheartedly believe that they meant well, but all I really wanted that day was to go home and get some sleep. 

I had been doing the same thing for years: being a student. I had a whole system that you follow and your body actually gets so used to the routine. I knew exactly when my holidays were because the university decides that based on their annual schedules. My life had a certain structure that burned me out; in all honesty.

I had to balance both work and school; one of the two was for my survival and the other for my life to progress. Sometimes I would have such a busy week with classes and spend my weekend slaving through work. Every now and then I would romanticise the idea of just being a student without any extra responsibility.

And as the days were passing by, graduation looked so far away and that drained me even further. Both my body and mind had to recover. A part of me feels like I am still recovering actually.

All of this is in addition to the fact that I was in a celebratory mood. I wanted to do all the things that I had cancelled for years: see friends and family that I had been waiting eagerly to spend time with for so long, (as I was an International student) and go on trips I had been dreaming to go on, trying extracurriculars I had been waiting to explore and rediscovering my interest in those I had put aside because I just didn’t have the time. 

You’ll never really have all the answers on your first day and I think understanding that is what will get you through the tough times. It takes months and even years for some people to figure these things out. So don’t be too hard on yourself, especially on the first day. 

I understood where they were coming from when they were asking me about my future plans though. When life got hard during my university days, I had the comfort of saying “I’m still a student, I have time, no pressure.” And suddenly I didn’t have that anymore. I had to make a plan. This however is something I already knew but I wasn’t even ready to get in that headspace.

In the summer of 2020, I remember meeting up with a friend once and I was telling him about how I felt like every time I rested I was letting everyone down. He told me one thing that I will never forget: “If you do not make sure you are 100% okay, you can’t put 100% into anything you do; you can’t give what you don’t have.” A few weeks before our conversation, he had lost his three-year-old daughter who was so full of life. He had a job at my church and they gave him time off to recover from such a tragic loss, so he knew all about taking time to rest.

So yes there might be a few times when people will try and make you feel like you already have to have it figured out but you’ll only be hurting yourself trying to prove a point to these people. And it's your responsibility to take care of your own body and sanity; not theirs. Easier said than done but yeah.

‍

‍

‍